decision

Warning - this post is a bit personal... even for me. I'm sharing something secret, something close to my heart right now. But I feel the need to share it. Maybe I'm sharing it for me -- just to get it out into the world and to be held accountable to it, or maybe God is having me share it for you -- to challenge and encourage you. Whatever the reason, here it goes.

[taken from my journaling this morning]

On Sunday I made a decision. For months now I have been waiting for my Christian walk to come to me as a fresh encounter, a new vibrancy, and that's all I was doing -- waiting. I thought maybe reading a new book would do it for me or maybe just listening in church the Holy Spirit would boldly, clearly tell me, "Hey, listen up! This one is for you. This is the message you've been waiting for; the one to change your life." Well, none of that has happened, and I kept on craving a freshness. 

Then on Sunday, I realized -- all I am doing about this "craving" is sitting, waiting. I'm not pursuing it. I'm not chasing God. I'm not surrendering my life. I'm just holding onto my life, waiting for God to show up on my terms. 

And so, I've given up on waiting. I'm moving on the pursuit. I'm hunting down this freshness I desire, and I'm doing it by being active and intentional.

No longer will I avoid reading my Bible because "it's a drag sometimes" or "I'm stuck in the Old Testament and none of it matters to me/my life anyway." [I told you I was being honest, didn't I!?]

No longer will I refuse time in prayer because "I don't know what to pray for" or "I just prayed about that yesterday."

No longer will I avoid talking about real, spiritual matters with unbelievers, worried about what they will think of me. Because, more importantly, their souls are on the line! 

There are two people who I know will read this post that I need to have those conversations with. And it's not for my sake, it's for theirs. I will seek out those conversations and I will be bold with my witness, because I want them in heaven with me someday. 

Yes, I will stumble. Yes, I will falter. And, yes, I will definitely fail. But this time, I'm not waiting; I'm moving - I'm seeking - I'm pursuing. And I will grow.